(Beautiful Exchange – Hillsong) 

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, the day that Jesus Christ broke the chains of death and rose triumphant from the grave. From his prayers of anguish in the garden of Gethsemane to the cross at Golgotha, He gave His life in a beautiful exchange.  As the song continues, on that day Christ broke the curse of our condition, and perfection took our place. The veil has been torn, a way has been made. Because of what He did for our sake on that cross, we have been given salvation and hope. 

At Good Friday service yesterday, I was thinking about what it meant that Christ’s blood has washed away all my sins and made me whole again. I thought about my past mistakes, my past sins, and the current sins, both big and small, that I continue to make on a daily basis. I thought about all the times I chose to disobey and the times I chose the world instead of Christ. Then I pictured Jesus on the cross, covered in sweat and blood from the beatings he had endured, the mocking voices in the crowd below him, the crown of thorns upon his head, and how painful it must have been.  There’s an old hymn where one line reads “White as snow, white as snow, though my sins were as scarlet, Lord I know, Lord I know that I’m clean and forgiven.” Did I really know what his blood meant for me? His blood washed me clean – white as snow - His precious blood washed away my sins and made me whole again.  I’m also reminded this week of Isaiah 53:3-5, where verse 5 reads: “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” The wounds he suffered on that day paid for my ransom. How can that not move me? Oh the mercy, the love, the forgiveness. Amazing Grace.

[Lyrics below to "How Deep the Father's Love For Us"]

How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I knoww that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast inJesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

——————————————————————————————

“He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.  Like one from whom men hide their faces, he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him and afflicted.  But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.”  – Isaiah 53:3-5

Passion Week. The week that would lead up to the death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. I re-watched Passion of the Christ last night to remind myself of the costly sacrifice and pain that He endured for my sake. Even though it is not an easy movie to watch and it always makes me cry, it is good to be reminded of the suffering that Christ endured for our sake. When I watch it, I am reminded of the depth of God’s love and how much it must have pained his heart to subject His beloved son to death on a cross so that my sins could be forgiven. Our salvation through faith in Christ was birthed through the Resurrection. In Romans 4:25, it is written that He was delivered over to death for our sins and raised to life for our justification. His resurrection could take place only because His mission to atone the lamb was successfully accomplished and truly ‘finished.’  He swallowed death up in victory. The hope and assurance for all of us as believers in Christ is the resurrection from the dead unto eternal life!

Jesus came to earth as a human being, and grew up the same way we did – born to a human mother, raised in the home of a carpenter. He experienced the same emotions and feelings we do. After the last supper, he went to Gethsemane to pray and prepare himself for what was to come. Jesus had spent so much of his time at Gethsemane prior to this night, laughing with his disciples, teaching them and praying with them, but on this night, in the garden Jesus would endure suffering that would be beyond our capacity to comprehend. Even the most experienced believer can not begin to come to grasp the mental suffering and anguish Christ must have gone through that night. Without understanding Gethsemane, I can not understand what happened on the cross at Calvary.

He was terrified and he was scared, and his soul was “overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death”. What did it mean for Jesus to to take away my sin? What did it mean for Him to become the sin-bearer for man? We must enter into Gethsemane with Jesus to understand what it meant for Him. By observing Christ and by overhearing his prayer in Gethsemane, we discover what it meant to him. It meant resolving to endure the righteous wrath of God for our sins through the experience of human weakness. His sinless humanity was put on display for us at Gethsemane. While remaining God, he became fully human and embraced human frailty. He was vulnerable to human limitations and temptations, and yet unlike us, he was without sin.

For Jesus, taking our sins upon his soldiers meant total abandonment. He was completely alone and abandoned, without support from his disciples. He went to the cross alone. He wanted the support of his disciples, and we see this at Gethsemane when he asks Peter, James, and John, “Watch with me.” But they didn’t understand the anguish and the agony that Jesus was going through and they fell asleep. In Matthew 26:56, we read, “Then all the disciples deserted him and fled.” The people closest to Jesus, the people that loved him and had followed him for all these years, turned and ran during the darkest moment of Jesus’ life when he needed them most. He didn’t just feel or imagine being alone (as we often do), but he was utterly and completely alone. He would suffer alone for my sake.

For Jesus, becoming the sin-bearer meant great distress of his soul. In Gethsemane, we see a side of Jesus that we have not seen before.  Prior to this night, he had been calming storms, walking on water, feeding thousands, boldly confronting authorities, forgiving sins, casting out demons, healing lepers and the blind, amazing to all of his followers, kind and compassionate – but on this night, we see an unfamiliar Savior. He enters Gethsemane on this night, and we see his humanity on display. We see a Savior that is in distress. Why is this change so seemingly sudden?  He had just left the last supper with his disciples singing a hymn. It was here in the garden that the Holy One got a foretaste of what it meant to be the sin bearer. Yes, he already knew that he was going to die long before this night, but on that night, he was contemplating the cup. What was it about this cup that he kept asking God to take the cup from him?  In the Old Testament, the cup refers to the judgment of God – Isaiah calls it the “Cup of His wrath” and Jeremiah calls in the “wine of wrath.” The contents of this cup were the bitter brew of the wrath of God for and against our sin. It contained the full fury and fierceness of God’s righteous wrath – for the perversity and wickedness, the pride, the self righteousness, false religion, idolatry, lies, immorality and abuse of this world – all of God’s righteous anger – this is the cup Christ drank from.

It was not that Jesus was scared of the prospect of his impending physical death.  That was no surprise to him. But it was instead the horrific reality of his impending death as sin-bearer, as the object of the full fury of God, suffering a death that would satisfy that wrath. It was the prospect of becoming the sin-bearer that was so horrific that in the weakness of his humanity, he prayed to the Father for an alternative. He asks his Father to take the cup away from him not once, not twice, but THREE times, and each time he hears only silence. In his humanity, Jesus did not want to suffer and die in this way. Who would?!  Had there been an alternative, God would have intervened and answered Jesus’ prayer. But there was no other alternative!  John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whooever believes in him, shall not perish, but have eternal life.” He gave his one and only Son, that even when His beloved son appealed to Him to take away the cup, God remained silent and did nothing.  THAT is God’s love for us. It pained his heart to have to do that to his one and only Son, but that is how much he loved us – that he would put his own son to die for me and for you.  There is no other alternative to the cross.

Becoming the sin-bearer meant obedient resolve for Jesus. It’s a qualification in each of his prayers, “Yet not as I will, but as you will, may your will be done.” (vs 39 and 42).  As Jesus spends time in prayer with God, even in anguish, he becomes increasingly resolved as he realizes there is no other alternative. We see the culmination of this in vs. 45-46, “The hour is at hand and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.  Rise, let us go!” Jesus emerges from the garden different than when he first entered.  He emerges with a holy determination to fulfill the purpose of his birth and life and to become the substitute for us on the cross.

Imagine if your dad asked you to be punished for the mistakes that someone else made, while you were completely faultless. Thinking about that seems unfathomable to us, but God asked His own son to die for us, although he was completely blameless. I asked myself this week if I really understood that.  He did this for me, and he did this for you. Who would want to voluntarily go through such a painful death like that, being mocked, scorned, and crucified? We can’t even begin to imagine the mental suffering, the anguish he must have felt that night in Gethsemane. It was painful and he understands the pain that we go through when we feel like we have been abandoned by God.

Through Gethsemane, the depth of his love for us during his darkest hour is revealed. He did all of this for us, so that we would not have to. This is my fault. He is completely innocent. I can’t enter into Gethsemane with Him and emerge unaffected by His love.  My sin necessitates his suffering on my behalf. His resolve to obey God’s will revealed the depth of his love for me. On that night, his soul was crucified already here in the garden, even before his physical body was crucified on the cross. Here in the garden, he resolved to drink the cup on our behalf so that we might drink from a different cup – the cup of salvation! The cup that should have been given to me was instead, taken by Christ so that I could get the cup of salvation. If I really understand Gethsemane, it means that Jesus loves us more than we could ever imagine. He took my condemnation lovingly.

Because of what he experienced, he is well able to comfort us in the midst of the severest forms of suffering we will ever encounter in our life. To understand his suffering is to read Hebrews 4 with new eyes:

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with us in our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” – Hebrews 4:14-16.

At the ninth hour right before He dies,  Jesus cries out, ‘Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthani? – ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’. So many times we forget that Jesus went through that too. He understands and he knows what we’re going through in our darkest moments when we feel like God has forgotten about us. He can comfort you in your darkest hour. There is no suffering or trial that we will experience in this life, that He can not, from his own experience, provide us with unmeasurable comfort.

But the story does not end there. With this last cry, Jesus took his last breath and died, but at the same moment, the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. This curtain had separated the holy of holies – the most sacred part of the temple – and only the high priest could enter this place once a year, and only with a sacrifice. This curtain separating the holy of holies was a symbol of sinful man’s separation from the presence of a holy God. When Jesus died, the earth shook, and the curtain was torn in two.  The barrier separating us from God was taken down because through the death of Christ, we were given direct access to God – to seek Him, know Him, and love Him.

Do I understand this?  Without his resurrection, my faith would be in vain. God’s love did not allow Him to overlook my sin, but it did compel him to provide for my forgiveness.  Christ’s lamblike self-sacrifice is a grand indicator of His powerful and infinite love. “Greater love has no one than this,” He explained, “than to lay down one’s life for his friends” (John 15:13). This ultimate sacrifice was made to free me from the penalty and control of sin over me so that I can live in His spirit. When we receive Christ as our Savior, we become children of God and we are accepted forever unconditionally. Because of His precious blood that was shed, our sins are washed away and we are made whole again. We are healed because he paid the price, and it is by his grace that we are saved. While the message of the cross may be foolishness to others, to those who believe, it is the “power of God.” The cross was the miraculous display of God’s power over sin and death, and through it I am pardoned forever. His justice makes my salvation possible. His power makes my salvation secure for all eternity. I don’t have to earn my salvation. He already provided it for me on the cross.

How can I ever repay You? How can I ever thank You? I don’t want to just remember You during this week each year, but each and every day of my life, I want to seek after your heart and to know your character so that I may live accordingly. I’m sorry that I have been a sheep that has gone astray. Time and time again, I’ve forgotten You and I’ve wandered away to try to find my own way. I have rejected You over and over again, and yet You continue to love me. While I’ve been Christian for pretty much my entire life and I’ve heard the story of the crucifixion and resurrection multiple times, I don’t think I ever grasped or really understood the depth of God’s love and the message of the cross until now. It’s not enough that I’ve grown up in the church. It’s not enough to just have Bible knowledge and to know all the right things to say.  It’s not enough to just come to you for a few inspirational truths. It’s not enough to be surrounded by Christians, but God I must ask myself if I have completely submitted my life to You. Have I abandoned this world and believed on You?  Have I turned from my sins and made You my Lord and Savior? I want to continue to know you as my Lord and to bend my knee to you every day of my life.  I know you must, and I want you to be the object of my faith, affection, and trust. Thank You for loving us so much, despite how many times we’ve turned away from You and your truth. May I be bold and may you give me the courage to proclaim Your gospel. Who am I to be scared? You gave me so much. Why should I care about what others think or if they mock me? You suffered for me, and I should be willing to “share in the fellowship of your sufferings” for the cause of following You and proclaiming the good news of Your death and resurrection, because through it, we are given eternal life. Thank You for revealing Your passion and Your infinite love for us in the costly suffering that you willingly bore on our behalf.

——————————————————————————————-

Dear God,
let this cup pass us by.
We are afraid.
We are trembling in the depths of our being.
We feel the sweat and tears

of thousands of people all over the world,
people who are afraid -
afraid to fight,
afraid to kill,
afraid of being killed,
afraid of an uncertain future.

Henri J.M. Nouwen

]]> http://savedbygrace2.wordpress.com/2011/04/18/holy-week-reflections/feed/ 0 Tiff http://savedbygrace2.wordpress.com/2011/04/13/last-week-on-the-oncology-unit/ http://savedbygrace2.wordpress.com/2011/04/13/last-week-on-the-oncology-unit/#comments Wed, 13 Apr 2011 21:49:22 +0000 Tiff http://savedbygrace2.wordpress.com/?p=633 Continue reading →]]> I haven’t written much about my experiences so far in nursing school – mostly because school has consumed a majority of my life. But I wrote so much last year about waiting to get in that I think a post to reflect on my experiences this past year is worthwhile. So forgive me for a long post as I run through my thoughts. In less than a month, I will be officially done with my first year of nursing school!

Tomorrow is our last week on the oncology unit and I’m actually pretty sad. I had the cutest patients today. Our instructor started us on 2 patients per student last week, which meant we were responsible for basically everything except for hanging chemo, blood, and giving IV pushes. One of my patients today was the sweetest and cutest 80 year-old man ever. Despite his pain and his fear about his risky surgery tomorrow, his warm and gentle smile would melt anyone’s heart.  My other patient was around my mom’s age, so that hit a little closer to my heart. I didn’t have many meds to give her today, so I spent most of my time talking to her. When I said goodbye to her for the afternoon, she gave me a hug and told me I did a good job and that I’d be a good nurse. Hugs from my patients mean the world to me. I told her I’d be praying for her and cheering her on.

I still can’t believe that tomorrow is the last day of our first med-surg clinical experience. While we did not get to practice a lot of “skills” that we trained for first semester, I think a lot of what we ended up learning this semester on our unit are things that can’t be taught in class. Initially, I was worried because I felt like I would be behind the rest of my classmates who were placed in more ‘exciting’ units suck as shock trauma, cardiac intensive care, neuro critical care, etc., but now I’m actually grateful. And I can’t forget to mention the awesome clinical instructor and the best clinical group ever. We started off the semester not knowing each other at all, and grew over the last few months to become family. (Jasmine, here is your shout out. I love you.) We’d help each other out with our patients, quiz each other for exams, and eat lunch together every day that we had clinical. It’s true that our unit was probably not as intense and not as crazy as the other units, but that was one of my favorite parts. I loved having the time to not be rushed, to always feel like I’m about to have a heart attack because I need to be able to make instantaneous decisions that might mean life and death. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like on oncology I’m saying that we don’t have to use critical thinking and make on-the-spot decisions for our patients. I’m simply saying that we probably had the opportunity to spend more time with our patients than we would have if we were on other units.

I was also really scared about oncology because most people who know me would say that I get attached to people very easily. Once I get to know you, it’s hard for me to disconnect myself and not be affected by it when people hurt, when people move away, when the friendship changes for whatever reason, or something goes wrong. In oncology, it can be extremely heartbreaking and emotionally draining because a lot of times, many of our patients either don’t make it or relapse within a few years. Of course, we also have the bright sunny days on the unit when we find that our patients have gone into remission and can finally go home cancer-free. Those are the days that we celebrate, that we laugh, and we hug as we send them off with their families, arms full of flowers and cards.

In my time here I’ve had patients of all ages, ranging from the early 20s to the mid 80s. The ones in the early 20s have been especially difficult because as I got to know them and their families, I realized how much life they still had left to experience, how many dreams they still had yet to achieve. I saw how hard their families fought for them and how difficult it was for the parents  to be strong in front of their son/daughter, when inside they felt completely helpless and brokenhearted. I remember the mom who had been a physician in Ecuador, who had moved to the US with her family and given up her practice so that her three sons could have a better future here. I saw the anguish and the sadness in her eyes when her son would step out of the room as she’d finally allow herself to cry and tell me how hard it was for her to see her son in so much pain and not feel like she could do anything as a mother to prevent it. I was with her when she told me she had been praying so much, but kept questioning why God had not been answering her prayers. She was still thankful and hopeful, but her heart was still so broken. All I could do during those moments was listen to her, assure her that she was being a great mom by being there, and give her the biggest hug I could give.

I’ve had patients that ask me hard questions like why them, what did they do to deserve it, and will they ever get better. I had the patient who was so sick he asked me to not let his family members see him because he didn’t want them to see him in such bad condition. I told him that it was a blessing to have family to visit and to support you through these times, because I’ve also seen the patients that come in alone without the support of family and friends. It makes such a huge difference in their attitudes, in their will to fight, and in their outlook of their situation when they have people who love them and are fighting alongside with them. It also makes me even more thankful for my family and friends who have been beside me through all these years.

I’ve had patients who act out in anger and in frustration because they’ve been told their siblings were not matches for stem cell transplants, that the chemotherapy they’ve been receiving and draining the life and energy out of them has not been working. I’ve had a patient who had gone into remission 2 years ago, had a son after doctor’s told him he only had a 5% chance after all the chemo treatment he received, and gotten married to the woman of his dreams. He had just gone back to work for a month when he started to feel fatigued with a sore throat, only to find he had relapsed again. He was only a few years older than myself and his adorable red-headed son was only 2 years old. How could you NOT be angry and have questions about why?

One thing I realized about the hospital is what a dreary and depressing place it can be, especially if you’re sick and you’re stuck there for weeks. They’ve been stripped of the safety and comfort of their own homes that they’ve lived in for years. The rooms are tiny, oftentimes they are on isolation, so if they don’t get many visitors, the only people they see throughout the day are the nurses and the physicians that come for rounds each morning. The daytime shows are boring, and after a while, they don’t really mean much to the patient who has much more important things on their mind.

These don’t even capture the heart of all that I’ve been able to see and experience this year. There’s many more patient interactions and stories that will continue to remain with me throughout my journey in nursing.

So yes, it has been extremely hard working on an oncology unit and at times heart-wrenching, but at the same time, I also see what a blessing and honor  it has been. It is depressing at times and more than once I’ve found myself having the same questions that my patients do and all I’m able to do is hold their hand and allow them to talk about their concerns. I’ve found it hard to reconcile a lot of what I see with what I know and believe God to be. I do ask sometimes, How Long, Oh Lord? My heart breaks when I see my patients and their loved ones trying to muster up all the energy they have to fight. I wish I could say that I’ve always had the right words to say to my patients, but I would be lying if I said I did. Many of their questions I don’t have answers to, neither will their families or the physicians that are treating them. Cancer isn’t fair.There is no magical answer, no response that will ease their pain or bring them peace. No one deserves cancer, whether they’ve been a criminal, been a drug user, lived unhealthy lives, been the best student in school, or the most loving mother. Many times, I want to cry with them. It’s still hard sometimes to find a balance because as nurses and as human beings ourselves, we also have emotions and feelings and just because we’re nurses doesn’t mean we’re required to suppress all of our feelings and not show emotion. I never want to be that nurse that becomes so jaded and so calloused that she’s indifferent to what goes on, whether it’s her heart is hardened or it’s a means for self-preservation. That’s been one of my biggest prayers: that no matter where I end up, I can continue to have a heart to love and to feel for my patients.

It’s been a huge privilege to be with patients during some of their most vulnerable moments when they no longer have the strength to control their bowel movements, when they need to be bathed and dressed completely, when they feel like they’ve lost everything that they used to have control over, when their lives have suddenly been turned upside down. Even with the more difficult patients that are crabbier, that give me attitude, or that lash out at me, I’ve learned to come to love them because I know how hard it must be for them. I’m not going to pretend that I can begin to understand even half of what they must be going through, but I understand the frustration, the anger, the questions, the pain, the sadness. Working on the oncology unit has also given me a deeper appreciation for life. I tend to make such a huge deal out of my tiny tiny problems that I forget to thank God for each breath that I’m able to take. There is so much more to life than what we often make it out to be. I hope I can continue to remind myself of this in all areas of my life.

In the bigger scheme of things, I know that nursing is just a tiny part of the bigger picture of what God has in store for me. While I still don’t know exactly what that “bigger picture” is just yet, what I do know is this: Nursing for me is not simply a career or a means for me to become successful in the ways that the world defines success. I honestly have no desire to move upwards in the hospital ladder to attain a top leadership position. I don’t care about working at the “best” hospitals in the nation. I don’t care about how much I will end up making. I know that I am not cut out to be a critical care type of nurse – aka no ERs, no critical care units, intensive care units, trauma, ORs, etc. I know some students who love that adrenaline rush and who feel challenged and excited, but really those situations terrify me. My favorite part about nursing is building up relationships with my patients over the time I am able to spend with them. To have the privilege of experiencing and sharing a small part of life with them. I love being able to listen, to talk to them, and sometimes just to cry with them. It’s definitely been a gradual process in learning all these things about myself and about what nursing means for me.

Over this last year of school and my experiences working with patients, I’ve learned to let a lot of my own silly thoughts and insecurities that I struggled with go. God has truly been gracious in leading me to this path. It sounds silly, but even through the last year of waiting to hear back from schools, finally getting in and almost finishing up my first year, I’ve really been able to see and experience God’s hand at work. Though this semester has been somewhat more stressful and challenging academically, I absolutely loved the clinical aspect. Through it all, I’m also constantly reminded of His grace and mercy, and of how he loved me when I was most unlovable, when I was most ungrateful, when I was most vulnerable. I try to remind myself of that love now when I work with my patients because I want to be able to develop that deeper capacity in my heart to love others.

I know that nursing is just a small skill He has given to me so I can have something to give back and to serve people. This is also part of the reason why I’m venturing out of my comfort zones to Kenya this summer. Maybe a part of my future will involve missions later, or maybe I’ll work here in the US in an underserved area..or something completely different, who knows?  Wherever my journey leads, I’m simply excited to be where I am today and I  pray that He continues to give me a deeper love for people and that I can continue to keep me eyes set on Him.

All right, whoever made it this far, even if you skimmed, thanks for reading. That sums up my first year of nursing school!

And a huge thank you to the family and friends who’ve been with me through thick and thin. Sorry if I haven’t had much time to hang out and catch up with y’all lately because of school, but you guys are always close to my heart. :]

I know it’s late and I probably should be in bed right now considering that I have clinical tomorrow starting at 6:30 in the morning. Haven’t been getting a lot of sleep these last few weeks and won’t be getting much sleep for the next two weeks. It’s crunch time with exams and papers before finals begin in May. How did this semester and this year already go by so fast?

For some reason, I thought I still had some 70+ days until Kenya, but I just saw one of my Kenya GP teammate’s FB status that says there are only 59 more days to go. 59 more days!

Anyway, the last few days have been a struggle for me and somewhat discouraging. I keep trying to remind myself to fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18). Still, it’s been hard and I’ve found my strength wavering a little bit here and there. I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed with school, but on top of that, there are so many other things I want to do that I just simply haven’t had the time to do – spend more time talking to family, spending more time in prayer, studying God’s word, meeting up with and hanging out with people ( I’m sorry if you’ve felt neglected or forgotten by me. I haven’t forgotten!). I want to be able to pour more into people, into relationships, but my responsibilities towards school have taken most of my energy. And yet no matter how hard I try, I don’t feel like I’ve been doing a good job at anything. I’ve spent so much of my energy on school this semester, and yet the effort has not been reflected in my grades. I know that seems silly because in the grander scheme of things, my grades are only such a small part of what God can do.  And I feel so selfish, because there are problems in this world that are way bigger than mine. My problems really are just a tiny tiny speck.. But still it’s been a discouragement and distraction as I find my mind often preoccupied with thoughts that continue to instill fear in me. I know that I still need to learn to trust in Him fully. I’ve always tried to find my worth in approval from others, to be accepted and liked by people, in things that are “tangible” and that can be visibly seen. Though I know my identity and worth should be from God, this is still one area I often still have a hard time with.

Personally, family is also going through a tough time right now and I feel so helpless because I’m so far away and feel like there’s not much I can do to help comfort or help unite our family. I really do love them dearly from the bottom of my heart and know that God is working through these trials for His glory and for our good. I have already seen that He has been using this time to draw our family closer together and also to Him individually. The journey hasn’t been easy, but even through the tears and the unanswered questions, I continue to hold onto the fact that He is good and He is faithful.

Because of all these things that have been on my mind, I’ve been distracted and honestly have not been spending a lot of time praying about my upcoming Kenya trip. God has been so GOOD and so FAITHFUL in showing me that this is where He wants me for the summer. He has provided so graciously in terms of the support I need to raise. And He continues to provide me with prayer partners each day! I am so extremely thankful for the prayers and support of my dearest friends and family. The emails and letters that people have sent me have been such an encouragement even in the midst of all that has been going on. When I read the emails (even if they’re just a few sentences long!), it brings such joy to my heart to know that I have people who are supporting me and praying for me. How can that NOT give me strength? Thank you guys, really I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I feel so blessed to have such supportive friends and family, and a God who is always giving me new strength. I will not lose heart.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

I always love to find songs to listen to repeatedly. This has been my song for the week. It’s “Blessings” by Laura Story and I love how she sees trials as God’s mercies in disguise.

We pray for wisdom Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

As long as we have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

What if trials of this life The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

Praise the Lord! With 10 more days to go until our first fundraising milestone, I am happy to share the good news that I have reached my first goal of raising $1600! He has truly been showing me just how faithful and good He is.  Though I still have a ways to go until my end goal of $4,725, I have confidence and faith that I will be reach that goal for His glory. Another piece of good news.. I forgot that I was employed for half of last year, so I was able to get some money back from my Tax Returns that I could contribute towards Kenya!

But even more so than the finances, what I need the most right now is prayer as I continue to prepare my heart for the summer. There are exactly 64 days until I leave to meet my team in NY and head off to Kenya! While it may still seem a ways away, these next 2 months will fly by before I even realize where the time has gone. I am beyond excited for Kenya! I’ve been getting to know my teammates via email and getting small glimpses into their lives through connecting with them on facebook. Everyone is super pumped about Kenya and seems to have hearts that are hungry for God and for serving His people. It’s been such an encouragement for me to read their emails, and to know that we’re all praying for each other even before we meet. I know God is already working to knit us together into a team. And I’m thankful because our team leaders, Brian and Deb Lee have been taking students on this project for the last 15 years and they’re praying hard for us, so I know we’ll be in good hands.

Still, the thought of it is a bit daunting. The past missions trips I’ve been on have only been around a week to a week and a half max. I’ve also always gone with friends and with people that I know well. This is the first missions trip I will be going on where I don’t know anyone and it’s going to be 7 weeks long, so even if it’s hard, I’m going to have to be able to make it. Last night at discipleship, John and I were reminiscing about my first missions trip to Guatemala back in 2005. We were in the jungle and had just learned that the “luxury” mattresses they had for us were bug-infested. John tried to make a joke about it during lunch to lighten up the mood, and out of nowhere I started to cry. The shock of it all suddenly hit me. I had gone from my comfortable, spoiled lifestyle in the U.S. to the jungle in Guatemala where we were miles from the city, where I did not understand the dialect, where there was no electricity or running water, etc..  I remember writing in my journal (I also shared it later in my testimony upon my return), I seriously thought that I was going to die there. No joke. I think PR felt bad or was scared because he tried to calm me down by allowing me to sit in the car with him and offering me a piece of the prized bread from his “secret snack stash.” Anyway, it’s funny to look back upon it now and laugh about it, because in the end, that was nothing compared to the work God did there.  So yes, Kenya will be a challenge because I imagine that it will be like the jungle, or perhaps worse. And yes, that still scares me a little, but I know God is so much greater than all these silly fears of mine.

Prayer Requests:

1. Please pray for my teammates, my team leaders, and I –  That we will continue to allow God to mold our hearts as we prepare for our trip to Kenya. Please continue to pray for faith that He is a God who will provide for our needs. Please pray for protection from doubts, fears, and trials that the devil may place in our paths to distract us from following God’s call.

2. Please pray that I will be able to completely surrender my heart to God. I’ve realized I still struggle a lot sometimes in being able to fully give everything over to God and follow Him one step at a time. I still place a lot of weight and trust in what seems more “logical” or reasonable, although sometimes I don’t even notice it myself.

3. Please pray also that I will continue to give it my all as I finish up the school year. This semester has definitely been a lot tougher, and while I love the clinical aspect of classes, I have not been doing well in the didactic portion of my classes. It’s been discouraging at times because I feel like I’m putting in a lot of effort but not seeing the results. I know that in the end, my grades are not going to hinder God from being able to do His work. I remember that it is God who has put me here. He has given me this opportunity to study nursing so that I can use it to serve Him. Because I know that, I have faith and trust that despite a bad semester, He is still good and He will pull me through. Please pray for focus as I study and for me to remember to have joy and for the right mindset as I study.

All righty, that’s all for now. I won’t post too much because I know wordiness = people won’t read. =P So I’ll end with a few pictures from my Guatemala trip back in 2005.

Children from the village we distributed food at. They LOVED taking pictures.

The girls I became good friends with at the orphanage. The orphanage was at the very top of the hill of the missions compound where we stayed at, but I loved hanging out with these girls so much we’d hike up the hills whenever we could to go see them. I wanted to adopt them and bring them all home with me, but sadly, I couldn’t. I hope and pray they are doing well.

Milestone #1:  $1,600 by April 1st!

Ahh! I’ve been behind on sending out my letters because I’ve been swamped with school and work these last few weeks. But I know that’s no excuse and I need to pick up the slack. I think the hardest part for me with missions is asking for support because I always feel bad. I know that I could easily save up myself and pay for the trip, but I also know that is not the purpose of missions. But rather, missions is about Christians and even non-Christians working together to care for and support each other. Just as the Corinthians participated in ministry with Paul through their giving, I know my supporters are joining me in this invitation to be involved in God’s work. My GP directors, Brian and Deb, reminded us that raising support is not just SO THAT we can go on the GP, but that it is part of the training and discipleship God wants us to go through.

A HUGE thanks to those who have already gotten back to me about supporting me through prayer and finances. I’m excited to be partnering with you in this way to be sowers of His word and His love.  :)

But I still have a ways to go.. still, I know He is faithful and good and I trust that God will provide.  If you would like to support me in prayer or financially, please feel free to contact me through email or facebook. I don’t want to post my contact info on here.

You can also donate online in my name at –> intervarsity.org/donate . Click on the “Give Online Now” button and search for my name. Next you will see, “Tiffany Chiu, Kenya 2011”. All contributions are tax deductible.

Thanks for your continued prayers. I am eternally grateful.    ~ In His Love, Tiffany

“Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Amen and Amen.” – Psalm 41:13

As she was preparing the injections, she was also informing me about other tips I should know about traveling to a developing country. Here are some of the things she told me:

1. ALWAYS EMPTY OUT YOUR SHOES in the morning before you stick your feet in them. You never know what creatures may have crawled into them over night.

2. EXAMINE YOUR ENTIRE BODY, especially if you have long hair before you go to bed each night because you don’t know what bugs might have fallen from the trees and leeches are often easy to miss.

3. Wash your clothes with an insecticide called PERMETHRIN and put on insect repellent like it’s lotion and your life depends on it. Bring cheap clothes you won’t miss and leave them there because you don’t know what spores you might bring back to the States with you.

4. WATER – always carry around your own water bottle and buy a portable water purification system. Your transportation is bound to break down somewhere, and you’ll most likely be traveling on the back of some old truck. You’ll get stuck somewhere without clean water and food.

5. DIARRHEA – you’re bound to get it either from eating something bad or not being used to the food. Stock up on Immodium and if that fails, take Ciprofloxacin. And if you have an allergic reaction to cipro, you’ll just have to live with the diarrhea and just drink a lot of fluid.  (actually the pharmacist told me that last part)

6. DARK or NEUTRAL colored cheap scrubs. Stay away from “red” or “yellow” unless you want to stand out like an exotic bird. “Trust me, you don’t want to stand out like that. Just blend in, just blend in..”  <– no worries I have no plans on standing out like something exotic

My poor mother happened to be in the room while she was going over all of this with me, and I came out to my mom asking me, “Are you sure you want to go?” I think my mom thinks she’s going to lose me to some horrible disease in Kenya and I’ll never come back home to her. Also stocked up on my malaria pills which I’ll be taking right before we leave and throughout our time there. I will have to admit that the nurse did scare me a little bit because I really hadn’t thought about all of those tips prior to her telling me. I do remember in Guatemala when a huge centipede.. or beetle.. crawled into PR’s shoes and then he put it in a cup to show us and scare us. But God is bigger than my fears, and I trust that despite whatever illnesses I may get during my time there, He will still be watching over my team and I.

I wrote this in my support letter, but I’ll include the lyrics again from Hosanna here. Everytime we get to this part of the song, my eyes always tear up.. So as I prepare my heart for Kenya, may this continue to be my prayer.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause

This summer I will be spending seven weeks in Kenya serving with a global project team sponsored by InterVarsity. I will be serving as part of the nursing team, where we’ll be placed in hospitals and clinics throughout Kenya during our time there. We will also have the opportunity to do ministry in the slums, to go on prayer walks through the city, and to serve in orphanages, just to name a few. I know that we have a God who is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ever ask for or imagine! I will be using this blog (or perhaps reviving it since the end of 2010) to chronicle my journey over the next few months as I raise support, prepare my heart, and learn more about God’s work in Kenya, as well as send updates about my journey once I am there. In this blog I will share my thoughts, what led me to Kenya, and my ongoing prayer requests. I thank you for walking with me on this journey, and I am excited to see how God will use us in His plan for Kenya.

In His Love, Tiffany

InterVarsity’s Kenya Global Project 2011 – Support Letter: Tiffany

⁸ He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

- Micah 6:8 -

The sacrificial birth of Christ into the world among us brings about some of the loudest knocking ever known to human hears.  The gift of a Son into hands that would harm him presents a most sacrificial gift and a striking invitation to sacrifice everything to have it.  As C.S. Lewis describes, “The Christian way is different: harder and easier.  Christ says, ‘Give me all.  I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want you—No half-measures are any good.  I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down.  Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent, as well as the ones you think wicked—the whole outfit.  I will give you a new self instead.  I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.’”(2)

To each of us, Christ comes as he came to Mary herself, wanting to stretch us spiritually, physically, emotionally, and socially, taking away everything, even all we might have thought good or godly of ourselves: our good names, our good futures, our innocence.  Mary certainly had reasons to say “No” to the invitation that came to her on angel’s wings.  She was facing an assuring future: a husband to wed, a home to create, a good reputation.  Saying “Yes” to God and the words of the angel Gabriel was to put all of this on the line, everything she had and might have once clung to with good reason.  Could you do the equivalent?  Could you release security, love, reputation, or even your youth from your own determined grasp? Mary’s risk was no less difficult than the most sacrificial act you could imagine of your own life.  Saying “Yes” to the Christ child and to the knocking of his love will surely bring down the houses we have built, even the rooms that house the things we hold onto most fiercely.

Yet this is precisely his invitation:  “For a child has been born for us, a son given to us; authority rests upon his shoulders; and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace”  (Isaiah 9:6). He comes with the annunciation of great sacrifice and pregnant impossibilities, and he assures us not to be afraid.  Where meek and foolish souls give everything to receive him, they still find themselves the wisest

Thanks Jesus for the most precious gift of all. May you all be blessed this Christmas as you reflect on Christ’s love and the true meaning of Christmas.

Emmanuel. God is with us.